Toxic Concepts I (Un)learned from Church Pt. II | Building New Spiritual Practices & Experiences

In a previous blog post, I unpacked "3 toxic concepts that I unearned from church, and why they were important to name". I intimated that I would pick up with these concepts at the end of the initial post, so here goes:

My religious context began situated in a small, nondenominational Black church with Pentecostal leanings. This church prided itself on believing the Bible in its most literal sense, noting during the guest’s welcome, "We believe the Bible from Genesis to Maps & References" - which were often offered in the back pages of the King James Version Bible. It was a space that was often given to charismatic movements of the Spirit, which taught me a great deal. Yet, when I became a teenager, I longed for a practice of Christian faith that felt a bit more nuanced.

I didn’t know much about how to find these spaces. So, I took recommendations about new churches in my area that I could go to. The resounding move, it seemed, was to this emerging church plant of Reformed Calvinists set up in North Philly to do “urban missions.” (I wouldn’t understand how problematic that term was until waaay later).

If you didn’t know, one of the tenets of Reformed Calvinism is total depravity. Yepp. It is what it sounds like. Much of the framework in this place of worship was centered around the notion that humans came into this world 'totally and morally depraved'. Thus, now that Christ had saved us from moral depravity, we were now supposed to sift all of our thoughts, intentions, hopes, dreams, relationships, and friendships through a rigorous process of spiritual questioning & self-denial.

In short, I learned how to distrust myself.

I offer commentary from John Piper, a White dude & one of the most prominent Reformed Calvinist theologians, to help illustrate my point:

Not relying on God in any action or thought takes power and glory to ourselves (1 Peter 4:11; 1 Corinthians 15:10; Galatians 2:20). That is sin, even if the external deed itself accords with God’s will.

So, as my belief systems shifted, I had to unlearn another toxic concept that emerged from this space:
"My thoughts, my body (my Self) is inherently flawed and not to be trusted".

Recovering meant that building new experiences of self-trust in my spiritual & everyday life.

I. Building a new experience of Thought

Years after I'd stopped going to formal church services, I sat in a meditation group with other women and femmes of color. I’d been meditating on my own but felt pulled towards a “sangha”: a community to practice with. Artist-healer, Sojourner Zenobia, guided us in a shamantha meditation , encouraging us “to experience our mind as it was.”

In the beginning, my thoughts were all over the place. I would try to concentrate very hard on “meditating.” My thoughts would wander and I noticed that it was almost a reflex for me to think badly about my own thoughts.

In the space, I heard our guide tell us, "Develop a 'thank you' relationship with your thoughts". It would take a while to to unlearn 'thought penance'. A quick Google search of the word penance brings up the definition that it is "voluntary self-punishment inflicted as an outward expression of repentance for having done wrong". Thought penance, for me, was a reflex learned over many years. So, even after YEARS of abandoning (and critiquing) Reformed Calvinism, I found myself at meditation group still distrusting all the things that came into my mind.

So, I started practicing saying “thank you” to my thoughts, even when I wanted to apologize or punish myself instead. I practiced showing gratitude to the mind that created the thoughts.

I’m still practicing this. There's no immediate switch from thought penance to thought gratitude. However, developing this new relationship with my thoughts has been deeply healing.

II. Building new experiences in the body

Distrust of my Black femme body remained a thread:

• During my time at the Black charismatic church

• At the multicultural Reformed Calvinist church

• At the nondenominational church in a college town

• At the mega-church in South Carolina - that I had no idea WHY or HOW I was there (more on that later, perhaps in the book)

Countless sermons rolled down from the pulpit, then enforced in the mouths and sentiments of church parishioners, that my femme body was inherently dangerous and filled with lust. A woman's body “could cause men to fall from grace", to be so tempted with sexual sin that only God’s mercy could redeem them. Of course, in these spaces, sexual “sin” could be anything from masturbation, to sex outside of marriage, to even looking at someone lustfully.

So, I learned to cover myself, keeping both my body and my sensual needs & desires under strict control. I was replicating Puritanical beliefs about purity, turning them in on my flesh and in so many ways, it made me sick.

Unlearning the distrust of my body began as an intellectual journey (helpful resources are here). However, what I learned was that there was a fair amount of trauma that had taken place as a result of ingesting these beliefs about my body. So, what needed to happen for me was a new experience of my body - a breakthrough.

These days, you might find me posing in portraits half nude, posting these moments on Patreon with a practice or two. But it wasn’t always like that.

I learned that launching into full-length discussions about sexual acts or sexuality wasn’t always the best place to begin. I learned this through moderating an online group filled with folks who were deconstructing their religious beliefs and decolonizing their spiritual practices. I felt this as an authentic truth in my own journey, as well. So, I began picking up tools from meditations, ritual circles, community with sex-positive artists & friends, to try to sort out how to align the intellectual “unlearning process” with emotional & spiritual growth. I learned to start with “small” radical acts of reclaiming my body, my pleasure, and my sexual agency.

One of the practices that helped me tremendously was practicing loving touch. This was deeply important because I realized that my past religious contexts taught me shame through touch as well: the pulling down of my skirt, the covering of my shoulders, thighs, breasts with a scarf, the pulling of my shirt closer over my cleavage. So, I wanted to start by inviting new practices of touch - validation from my own hands. (Click here to access an audio meditation about sensual self touch).

I explored the things that gave me pleasure both sexually and platonically.

I asked a lot of questions, talked with sex positive clergy, and deconstructed my faith practice far beyond anything I’d ever dream.

Then, I began the Embodied Sensual Rituals project, which specifically looks at the ways that Black women face sexual & sensual repression in religious spaces while offering rituals to help unlearn these things at the level of the body & soul. (Learn more about the project & sign up here).

III. The Journey Continues

One day, I was sharing all that I'd learned with an old friend. They breathed deeply, taking on a look of concern and asked, "Well... are you angry? Angry with the church? Are you angry with God?"

Thankfully, at that point, I didn’t feel angry (although anger is a justifiable emotion & one that I’ve felt too, chile). At that moment, I felt more clear. Participating in new rituals and building new experiences with my thoughts and my body created deeper clarity for me about where I wanted to go spiritually.

I’m clear that the church, as an institution, colludes and participates in a punitive society - pushing a punitive version of God onto our bodies, thoughts, & hearts. I’m clear that God - and my understanding of Them / Her / Him - ain’t petty.

I'm clear that the Divine made me good and desires my wholeness.

The charge now is to live deeper into that clarity, learning to express it in new ways as time moves forward.

————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Let me know in the comments below or by emailing info@jadetperry.com how you are creating new & healing experiences of thought & in the body.

————————————————————————————————————————————————————-