3 Toxic Concepts I (Un)Learned from Church... (and Why They're Important to Name)
The church that I grew up in had a heavy emphasis on an assurance of faith and strong views about what was “holy” or “unholy”. I’d go on to experience other houses of faith: Reformed Calvinism, Evangelicalism (yikes), non-denominational worship spaces. I’d learn a lot about my own identity as a mystic, as someone who was transgressing these spaces in small ways all along - while trying to sort out what it meant to honor any specific “faith of origin.”
In the process of this spiritual identity development, I began very intentionally rethinking my faith practices - eventually incorporating Zen Buddhist thought, Black folk rituals, tarot & divination, and deeper appreciation of the African diasporic practices (“Black folk religion”) presented to me along my formation.
Along the way, I’ve learned how to honor a few core pieces from my faith background (care for others, belief and ease with the Unknown, attention to / care for those who are systemically marginalized, the concept of beloved community). I've also grappled with a lot of the toxic things that I learned in those spaces, as well. There are three that come to mind most readily that I’d like to share with you today as you embark upon spiritual practices that feed you deeply.
Toxic Concept #1
Always wait for supernatural signs that God has “released you” from something... before you decide to leave.
Wheew Jesus YIKES!
Listen… if something is presenting itself as toxic - a religious space, a relationship, a way of Being - you can gather support to leave that space.
I can remember the days of waiting for signs, signals, wonders - ANYTHING that would convince me that God had released me from a certain situation. I’d learned to distrust my thoughts and intuition from Reformed Calvinist doctrine. So, there was a time in my life that I felt it might be more worthwhile to spend extensive time in prayer, in order to sort out something that my gut was already telling me. (Again, yikes!)
I'm no Bible scholar but if there is an entire Biblical book in praise of wisdom then... it’s likely that we should feel free to use wisdom when the situation calls for it. This can be especially true in situations that suggest that leaving is the best course of actin for our health and well-being.
I began questioning this need for supernatural signs and wonders as I got in tune with my own heart, wants, desires, and needs. There were SO MANY DECISIONS I'd put off because I didn't see the writing in the sky that meant the Divine was 'releasing' me. For too long, I ignored the signs of my own body including a tight stomach, a rapid heartbeat, constant anxiety or sadness, waiting to be 'released'. I suppressed thought processes about why a church was problematic, ignored stagnant spirituality, waiting to be 'released'.
Through regular therapy, I learned to prioritize wisdom and emotional intelligence as I decided which situations to stay within and which to leave. I’m learning to regulate my nervous system so that I can act with clarity (it’s a process for SURE). I trust that there are tools to help us live an authentic and purposeful life. I trust that you will find the ones that make the most sense for you, too!
(Click here for the Healing in Our Times Project: a mini-directory of healing resources for the mind, body, & soul).
Toxic Concept #2
“God told me…” is a good enough reason.
The work of ongoing spiritual development is important for many reasons. There was a time when I was incredibly susceptible, believing that whatever “God told” a pastor, a Bishop, or a scraggly churchy fuckboy must have some credence.
Remember, I was a pew baby. That is… I was raised in the church since the age of 2. I’d heard a lot of things that “God said” and simply because my brain wasn’t fully developed… I believed them. Of course, I’d gain some healthy skepticism as I got older. However, this went out of the window when I began dating dudes in the church.
(Yes, I’m queer. Yes, I dated men. I’m bi / pan - but of course, growing up in a theologically conservative church didn’t allow me to fully foster that identity until later on in my journey).
I wouldn’t learn about the insidious nature of this phrase until I began researching spiritual abuse. And I wouldn’t research spiritual abuse until I ended a toxic dating situation with an aspiring minister.
“God told me” isn’t necessarily problematic in and of itself. However, when it is used as a preface to shaming or belittling, it’s spiritual abuse.
Toxic Concept #3
Hegemonic masculinity is God's design.
R.W. Connell & Messerschmidt re-defined hegemonic masculinity as "the pattern of practice (i.e., things done, not just a set of role expectations or an identity) that allowed men’s dominance over women." Hegemonic masculinity happens in cycles and it represents societal and cultural practices men's dominance and subsequently, women's subordination, is normalized. In an article that rethinks this term, they explain:
"Consider how an idealized definition of masculinity is constituted in social process. At a society-wide level... there is a circulation of models of admired masculine conduct, which may be exalted by churches, narrated by mass media, or celebrated by the state. Such models refer to, but also in various ways distort, the everyday realities of social practice....Hegemonic masculinities can be constructed that do not correspond closely to the lives of any actual men. Yet these models do, in various ways, express widespread ideals, fantasies, and desires. They provide models of relations with women and solutions to problems of gender relations. Furthermore, they articulate loosely with the practical constitution of masculinities as ways of living in everyday local circumstances. To the extent they do this, they contribute to hegemony in the society-wide gender order as a whole".
- Connell & Messerschmidt, 2005, p. 838, emphasis mine
We see this both in religious spaces but also in the social media content that these spaces create (click here to see a break down on toxic masculinity via Christian memes). Toxic Western Christianity often normalizes men's dominance and women's subordination under the guise of true spirituality, faith, and Christian faithfulness.
When I think about my years spent in 2 nondenominational Evangelical churches and one urban-focused Reformed Theological church, I also think about the ways that I dated and the functions I did while there. I was taught, from these perspectives, that women could only have certain roles within the church (recall R.W. Connell's point on "models of relations with women"). I was taught that the answer to issues related to gender / gender expression lay in:
a) conforming to a certain Biblical interpretation of gender being man or woman
b) submitting to a male partner in dating, courting, and marriage
c) submitting to male leadership and pastoral care.
The argument in these conservative Christian spaces was that hegemonic masculinity was God-designed. So, the "widespread ideal or fantasy" included waiting for a man of faith to choose you, remaining abstinent, marrying, submitting to that man, and teaching your children to do the same... thus perpetuating hegemonic masculinity.
So, it was a game-changing moment when I began to integrate knowledge of Biblical text with historical context, gender studies, and theological scholarship of folk who were NOT White, Evangelical, or men (refer to Mujerista Theology, Womanist Theology & Liberation Theology). It would be a while before I realized that theology - at an academic level & as a project - had its own racism, sexism, & classism to contend with.
I'm clear that hegemonic masculinity does not equal to God's design. I'm clear that this line of belief stands in to prompt the subordination of women and the erasure of folks of faith across gender identities and expressions.
| RESOURCES For Further Reading & Inquiry |
Unlearning the Gendered, Racist Oppression of Purity Culture - A Resource List by Jade T. Perry
Connell, R. W., & Messerschmidt, J. W. (2005). Hegemonic masculinity rethinking the concept. Gender & society, 19(6), 829-859.
Libby Anne. The “Real Men” of Evangelical Christianity. (2015, November 18). Retrieved November 24, 2015, from http://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/2015/11/the-real-men-of-evangelical-christianity.html
Junior, N. (2015). An introduction to womanist biblical interpretation (1st ed.). Louisville, Kentucky: Westminster John Knox Press.
Stollar, R. (2015, July 5). Has Yahweh Spoken Only Through Moses?: An Introduction to Mujerista Theology. Retrieved November 24, 2015, from https://rlstollar.wordpress.com/2015/07/05/has-yahweh-spoken-only-through-moses-an-introduction-to-mujerista-theology/#_ftnref7
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